In December I Was Blue
by smidget
Summary: In the midst her own reservations Lily finds the strength to defend her child for the first time, but not the last. Sirius and Lily friendship.


Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

_In December I was Blue_

It was still early in December for a Christmas party, but Lily supposed everyone was especially keen for something to celebrate these days. Perhaps that was also the reason that every inch of the Longbottoms' modest flat was covered with tinsel and holly and pine branches. The scents of freshly cut wood and sweet sap seemed to waft at Lily relentlessly from every direction and it was all she could do not to vomit all over the festive decorations.

She has been especially sensitive to such things lately, just another confirmation of the truth she was desperately trying to avoid.

James had wandered off a few minutes ago to mingle in the crowded living room and Lily remained where she had retreated, stationed firmly against the kitchen counter, the sink just a few steps away should she be in sudden need of a drain. The door from the kitchen was propped open and so Lily was not entirely cut off from the holiday celebrations. She could hear the Prewitt twins laughing raucously over something and Frank's warbling voice singing along with the carols playing on the wireless. It almost made her smile.

Lily pulled at the sleeves of her sweater and sighed, shifting her weight from one foot to the other. One minute she was too hot and the next too cold. At the moment she felt feverish and ill and wished she were back at Godric's Hollow, nestled in the warmth of her sofa and James and away from the noise and clamor of the party.

It required tremendous effort lately just to keep herself sane. A party should have done her some good, a nice break from the stress and heartbreak that so dominated each passing day. But Lily felt pulled in too many directions and the hope that she had so often clung to, that she was so proud of, was harder to grasp at now that she needed it most. James remained her best source of comfort, but even that lifeline was straining now that she was keeping secrets from him.

Or rather, one very important secret.

The sound of someone calling for quiet – Frank's voice again – brought Lily back to the present of the tiny kitchen and she glanced through the open door into the next room where the other guests lingered. James's unruly hair was visible above the heads of those around him. Voices died away as the attention turned to the couple by the fireplace, Frank's much taller form seeming to wrap around Alice's diminutive one. They were both pink-cheeked and smiling broadly.

Lily edged closer to the living room without quite entering, leaning her weight against the door frame and smiling tiredly at the gathering of familiar faces. She watched them all as if through a haze, present but separate, seeing but not hearing.

A chorus of laughter reached her ears and Lily realized that Alice was speaking, that she had just said something amusing. Only a few words truly broke through Lily's fog and only then because they were so close to the thoughts already swirling around in her head.

"We're having a baby!"

The cat calls and congratulatory remarks were all lost on Lily as a buzzing seemed to fill her ears. She could only see Frank and Alice across the room, both grinning and hugging, and then the overwhelming scent of pine reached her again and Lily backed hurriedly into the kitchen. She stumbled directly for the sink and leaned over, gasping and dizzy, but before anything came up the room steadied and all she felt was the erratic beating of her heart.

Rubbing at her clammy forehead Lily wrenched open the little door that led from the kitchen to the tiny balcony and stepped outside. Instantly the frigid December air overrode all her other senses and Lily felt a little less frantic. She was still shaking, but more from the cold than anything else.

Her cheeks started to sting and Lily realized that she was crying. She wiped the tears away in frustration and wished she could pull herself together for just two seconds. Secrets had never treated her well, and never had she kept one of this magnitude. For a moment she put herself and James in the place of Frank and Alice, surrounded by friends, laughing, sharing the happy news with those closest to them, but she found no comfort in the image, only a mix of anxiety and guilt. Telling James had proven more difficult than she had imagined and she had already failed to have that conversation three times.

As she finally started to pull herself together she heard the door behind her open and she spun to see Sirius slip outside. He looked grim and gaunt, not so unusual these days, but he brightened a little at the sight of her.

"Evans," he greeted with a nod. Lily rolled her eyes halfheartedly but felt warmer at the ease of something familiar. Sirius was the only one who called her 'Evans' anymore and for once it didn't bother her.

He pulled a cigarette and Muggle lighter out of his jacket pocket and raised his eyebrows questioningly at her. Lily nodded that she didn't mind and he lit up with the practiced ease of one who was well acquainted with the subtle art of smoking. The orange glow and the wispy smoke were a sharp contrast to the dark blues and blacks of the winter night around them. Lily watched the swirling patterns without really seeing them.

Sirius leaned casually over the railing and Lily mimicked his pose. The street several stories below them was quiet but the sounds of the city still reached them from nearby.

"Did you hear the happy announcement?" Sirius asked and Lily almost missed the sarcasm but she chose to ignore it.

"I did," she said evenly, not meeting his eyes. "It's nice for them, don't you think?"

"It's irresponsible," Sirius retorted darkly and Lily felt as though her ribs were trying to clench up around her. She said nothing but stared into the surrounding darkness.

"Don't you think so?" Sirius prodded, unsatisfied by her silence. "Having a baby in the middle of a bloody war. And acting as though it's something to _celebrate_." He scoffed audibly and shook his head, his dark hair falling into his eyes.

Still Lily said nothing. She was numbing to the cold and could not feel her lips at all. She tried to focus on the cigarette smoke sweeping up above them and not on Sirius's words as they cut into her.

Laughter echoed from inside the flat and it sounded strange in Lily's ears. She was sure she could hear James's voice and longed once again to leave the party and return home. She wanted to get away from Sirius's cynicism and the Longbottoms' ecstatic faces and the horrible contrast of holiday celebration mingled with the ever-heavy cloud of the war hanging over all of them. It did nothing but fuel her reticence and her guilt.

She rested a hand on her stomach and sought the strength not to fall into total despair.

What Lily finally said was, "We can't let the war stop us from living our lives," a sentiment she had often shared aloud in the last few months. With each utterance she found less truth in it but kept such things to herself. It felt wrong to give in to such thoughts, even if everyone else around her seemed to do so. Sirius was as receptive as ever to the notion and rolled his eyes before taking another drag of his cigarette.

He breathed out the foggy smoke before speaking. "There's a difference between living our lives and bringing new lives into this mess."

The hand on her stomach pressed a little tighter. It was a little late for that.

But there was something... stirring in Sirius's complete dismissal of the idea. Something inside Lily, something… defensive, something protective, and something a little foreign to her rose up in her throat and she felt the sudden urge to hit him. She felt steadier on her feet than she had in ages.

As she continued to look at Sirius's shadowed expression of disdain Lily felt something warm igniting inside of her and only instinct told her to keep the beginnings of this alive. It was, Lily thought, a mixture of courage, rebellion, and the gnawing restlessness of keeping secrets that made her blurt out, for the first time aloud, "I'm pregnant."

It was the first time in her life that she had seen Sirius truly and utterly speechless. He froze briefly before slowly turning to face her and Lily turned as well, her chin rising up every so slightly. In the tiny balcony they stood facing each other as if each were sizing the other up for a fight and Lily had never backed down from a fight in her life.

She did not expect Sirius of all people to backtrack and try to pretend as though he had not just been condemning the very notion of having children, and she was not disappointed. He looked as stubborn as ever, almost cold, and Lily felt... relief.

Finally, after keeping the secret for what seemed now an eternity she was no longer the only one who knew about the fact that she was going to have a baby. That she and James were going to have a baby. That they would be parents. The fact that Sirius was neither celebratory nor frantic calmed Lily's considerable nerves more than anything else. She felt, as she had not in quite some time, that she had something to fight for, something to defend, and it was a powerful feeling.

"It wasn't... planned," she admitted, her words calm and measured. "I haven't told James yet. I haven't told anyone. You may think it's irresponsible, and I may even agree with you, but I will not let you stand there and tell me that this child has no place in this world."

Sirius, as always, did not hold back to spare feelings. "Children have no place in this _war_."

"We were children when we started to fight this war," Lily retorted back angrily, reveling in the spark lighting in her.

"And look what it's done to us," Sirius snapped. He dropped the rest of his cigarette on the ground and stamped it out before shoving his hands into his jacket pockets. "Is this what you want for your child, Lily? The life that we have?"

"Of course not. I want something _better_."

"Better could be a lifetime away, if it even comes at all."

"If that's what you think then what are you even fighting for?" Lily retorted loudly, her hands clenching into fists.

Sirius opened his mouth, closed it again, and then ran a hand through his hair. He glared and Lily and she glared back, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Are you happy about this," Sirius demanded quietly. "You wanted this to happen?"

"I told you, we didn't _plan_ it. It wasn't - "

"But are you _happy_ about it?"

Lily truly did not know how to answer that question. She had been asking herself the same thing over and over again and still, even in this moment of strength and affirmation, she didn't know.

"What if something happens to you?" Sirius said earnestly, his face twisted as though the very thought caused him physical pain. His eyes stared relentlessly into hers. "Or to James?" Lily clenched her jaw. "What happens to your baby then?"

"It'll be looked after," Lily said automatically, placing a protective hand on her abdomen again.

"By _who_?"

"I don't know," Lily snapped, throwing her other hand into the air. "You'll be there. Or would you rather just leave it considering how much you _disapprove_." She spat the last word angrily as if he had grievously injured her.

Sirius looked as though she had slapped him and had the balcony permitted it she would have stepped away from him. As it was the space was far too small for such a thing.

Her cheeks were flushed and Lily took a few deep breaths to calm herself.

"You'll be there," she repeated, confidently now rather than the accusatory tone she had just adopted. "Sirius, if something does happen to us, you'll be there. Won't you?"

Sirius no longer looked wounded but his countenance was no more reassuring than it had been. "If something happens to you and James," he said quietly, "they'll be nothing left of me. _That's_ what I'm fighting for."

"And this baby is a part of us," Lily replied, her brow furrowed in fierce determination. For the first time she felt the distinct notes of motherly concern in her voice. It was not unwelcome. "You fight for us, you fight for it too."

Silence fell again between them and again the sounds of the festivities drifted out. Sirius nodded reluctantly and Lily smiled in return. The truce between them was uneasy but not unwanted.

Still, Lily was not eager to return to the party, nor was she any more in the mood to celebrate than she had been before. But she did not feel as ill and uneasy as she had before coming outside. Indeed, this was the best she had felt in weeks. For the first time she had defended the existence of the life inside her rather than question it and regret it. It made her feel strong.

Lily silently vowed in that moment that she would protect her child until her dying breath.

The two of them now stood side by side, backs leaning against the rail of the balcony. It felt wonderful not to be keeping this secret to herself anymore, even if Sirius had been less than receptive to the news. She still felt anxious and conflicted, but not quite so unprepared. And the thought of having James at her side through it all only bolstered the beginnings of her confidence. She hoped he would take the news better than Sirius had, once she ever worked up the nerve to tell him.

"It's going to get worse before it gets better," Sirius said quietly. "This may only be the beginning."

"All the more reason to have something to hope for," Lily responded, her hands resting lightly on her stomach. "What good is fighting with nothing to protect."

* * *

**AN. I just really love Lily-Sirius friendship. I think their dynamic is fascinating and has so many possibilities. Thoughts are appreciated.**


End file.
